The skills that can make or break your relationships
Written by Alex Poeter
Why is it that most relationships tend to start out well and become more challenging over time? And I’m not referring to highly dysfunctional relationships here. I’m talking about relationships that are important and meaningful to us.
In my experience, there are three big factors that can negatively impact our relationships.
First, when we start out in a relationship, we tend to notice more of the positive qualities of the other person. When a relationship is new and starts out on a good footing, we’re more focused on validating each other. However, once we have the first negative experience – we might feel judged, blamed or rejected by the other person – we instinctively defend our personal needs at the expense of maintaining a positive relationship.
Second, we believe that our happiness derives from the other person behaving in certain ways. In other words, it appears to us as if the other person has more power over our well-being than we do. Sometimes we outsource our own power to make decisions that lead to greater well-being and happiness. In those moments, we can’t see our own power of choice because we’re too caught up in seeing the other person as the sole cause of our pain. And then our entire focus is on “needing the other person to behave differently” so that we can be ok.
Third, we tend to project our own insecurities, pains and unresolved issues onto the other person. In those moments, our pain feels too severe to be able to manage it. So we blame the other person in order to find relief.
Here are some approaches that I’ve found quite helpful for maintaining positive relationships:
Be aware that you always have a choice over how you show up and respond to the behavior of another person.
If you want someone to exhibit certain qualities and strengths, identify them and point them out to the other person so that they can become aware of them.
Be aware of your own insecurities and fears, and how you might be projecting them onto your relationship and the other person.
Set intentions for how you want to show up in your relationships and the experiences you want to have. This means “staying focused on what you want to experience and your levers of influence” instead of “staying focused on what you don’t want and resisting that”. Once you have clarity, your inner wisdom will guide you towards creating those experiences.
The key is to become fully aware of how you’re currently showing up in your relationships and of any limiting behaviors you might be engaged in. Creating awareness gives you the power to unravel any limiting patterns and create the experiences you truly want to have.
Which of the ideas in this post resonates most with you? I invite you to experiment with that idea and to show up more intentionally in your relationships today. Notice how your experience changes as a result of your shift.